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Making sense of the senseless

You’ve heard the term. Maybe you believe you’re in a relationship with one. But can you be sure?

It’s kind of like how you know when you’re in labor — you KNOW.

The space between knowing and feeling is vast.

You are the victim, not the abuser.

Your relationship with a covert narcissist has ended. Regardless of who initiated the discard, it wasn’t pretty.

Sometimes your greatest challenge was the gift all along

You’re out of the relationship now, trying to heal, trying to make sense of your life.

You have so many questions.

If you don’t watch closely, you’ll miss them

Once you are a victim of narcissistic abuse, it becomes easy to spot some of the classic techniques and tactics of devaluation — deflection, projection, denial, triangulation, gaslighting.

If only they knew the truth …

I don’t know what hurts worse — the narcissist’s abuse or the flying monkeys’ belief that what the narcissist says is true.
Actually, I do know.

What this question says about you and them

Your relationship has taken a terrible turn, maybe even come to an end, and you’ve heard that your partner is a covert narcissist.
That doesn’t sound so bad, you think. Covert can’t be as bad as overt.

How to rise above the circumstances when the world is trying to hold you down

The narcissistic smear campaign is one of the greatest challenges for a narcissist survivor. You think you’re through the worst of things. You’re ready to start healing. Then you get hit with the narcissist’s smear campaign. 

Once you reach this point, they can no longer hurt you

Before healing completely you are in a state of two minds, of crazy-making ambivalence. You both love the narcissist and you hate them. The ambivalence is a source of pain as your mind can’t resolve it. It’s crazy-making.

Let their words show you who they are

Covert narcissists say a lot without communicating anything real. When you start to talk to other survivors (or work with them like I do), you realize they say many of the same things. Sometimes hearing these “catch-phrases,” so to speak, will trigger an a-ha, an awakening that nothing else can.

Reframing your thinking is a powerful thing

You’ve heard about no contact.

It feels like ignoring, ghosting — it feels rude.

Yet it seems like the only way.

You wonder what you can expect.

You’ve got to see it to believe it

When you have been abused by a covert narcissist, you start to see the predictability in their patterns — the passive-aggressive putdowns, gaslighting, sabotage, undermining, future faking, triangulation, weaponized incompetence, silent treatment, and more. Some of their behaviors, however, are so odd you pause to be sure they’re real.

The most effective way to break a strong trauma bond is to reverse-engineer it

Your trauma bond was created and strengthened by a narcissist. In many cases, you have trauma bonds with two or more narcissists. Though the narcissist was key to creating the trauma bond, breaking it has nothing to do with them. That is a good thing! This means the power lies entirely with you.

I see a trauma bond in two parts — the part you can see and the part that is hidden.

I assume you’re talking about the part of the trauma bond that is visible, because almost no one knows about the part that is hidden and wreaking havoc for years, even decades to come.

And that you can implement today

When I started my healing journey from narcissistic abuse 10+ years ago, I had no idea where it would take me. Back then, I desperately feared I’d stay stuck forever, that nothing would ever get better.

Fortunately, that wasn’t true.

When I was in the thick of it, I thought I’d be forever broken

Having a narcissistic parent (though I didn’t know what narcissism was ’til my 40’s) taught me not to trust anyone with my hopes, my dreams — the things that mattered to me. Sharing those things was a sure-fire way to end up feeling badly in the future.

Check Out
All (100+)
Dr Melissa’s Articles on Medium


What Makes A Covert Narcissist Regret Leaving You?

Are Covert Narcissists Surprised When You Don’t Chase Them?

Why Is a Covert Narcissist Terrified of You After the Discard?

What Infuriates a Covert Narcissist More Than Indifference?

What the Heck is Weaponized Incompetence? Secret Strategies of Covert Narcissists to Get Supply.

What Is the Biggest Thing a Covert Narcissist Fears from a Former Supply?

What Happens When a Covert Narcissist Realizes They’re Losing You?

What One Thing Leads to a Covert Narcissist’s Final Discard?

8 Ways Covert Narcissists Mess with Your Head

Why Will a Covert Narcissist Become Nice All of a Sudden?

What Happens When a Covert Narcissist Knows You’re Onto Their Game?

2 Strategies to Repel a Covert Narcissist

How Long Will a Heartbroken Covert Narcissist’s Rebound Relationship Last?

How Does a Covert Narcissist Sabotage You?

What Makes a Covert Narcissist So Dangerous?

Covert Narcissists

Narcissists and Other Toxic People

Narcissism Shorts

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Antifragile Narcissist Survivors Quora Space